KARA
“This is for one night, and night only.” I stress the last word, making absolutely sure that we’re on the same page. I smack the heel of my palm into my other hand, like a chopping block. “One night only, all right?”
I pace around the hotel room, my feet sinking into the plush carpet. I didn’t buy the most expensive room for the night, that seemed like a dead giveaway to anybody who would be watching me to find me easily. Nope, I’m in the middle range, somewhere on the middle floor.
My clothes are as nondescript as I could make them, no flashy labels, no gaudy trinkets and baubles added to my purse or other accessories. Everything I’m wearing is understated and demure, what any thirty year old woman might wear — if she were boring and you’d walk right past her on the street.
Tonight, my invisibility’s going to be my superpower.
My face is devoid of makeup, and I’ve got a zit coming through on my chin — I’ll be riding the crimson wave soon enough, and everything hurts, both inside and out.
I pace around my room, laying out the ground rules for myself, and the imaginary man I’m supposed to meet tonight.
My stomach flutters with nerves, and there’s a second heartbeat in my throat. I want to vomit and squeal in excitement simultaneously. The mental imagery alone makes me close my eyes and take in deep, deep breaths through my nose.
“Come on, Kara, you can do this. You need to do this.”
Hiring an escort for the night was pretty easy, it’s the legal ramifications that I’m not looking forward to if I’m caught.
I didn’t think that the notion of getting caught thought would make my belly clench, and have my panties already soaking without being touched at all.
I didn’t know I was going to be like this, I didn’t know that this was a thing that I would like.
I can picture it, though, me and this stranger, fucking up against a window, my breasts pressed tightly against the cool glass. I’m caught between a hard male body behind me, pounding into me at the perfect angle, and the cool glass in front of me, so the entire city can see me when I’m like that, begging to come, wanting nothing else but to come.
That’s why I’ve never really popped the cork with anyone but my own fingers.
Because I know if I find the right kind of lover — which I think I did, because I am in love with all variations of research and I’m thoroughly good at it — I would want orgasm after orgasm after orgasm.
The fact that it will be with someone else in the room has my belly twisting, and my knees buckling until I’m on the carpet, taking in deep breaths.
I’m excited, I know that, even if there’s an edge of fear that I can tip over and into.
All of this, all of my carefully laid plans, my background checks, my security precautions (Levi is waiting for me downstairs, poor guy, when he could be home with his husband) should keep me safe, should keep my family’s legacy safe.
I’m a McCale, of McCale Industries, and I’m the eldest daughter.
So many people want a piece of me, but tonight, I’m taking a piece for myself. That is, if the man I hired for tonight actually shows up.
Wouldn’t that be hilarious? The guy I’ve ordered for the night doesn’t show his mysterious face and finally deflower me like it should have happened when I was fifteen years old with the boy I thought I was in love with?
Ugh. Get over yourself, Kara. Seriously.
My phone rings and I freeze.
I had left it on the bed, like I was asked, and now I move over to it, swiping across the screen to connect the call. Very few people have my phone number and only one person is saved under my contacts as ‘Private Caller’.
“Hello?”
“Hello,” he greets, his voice making me shiver, like it always does. Seriously, who gave a man this kind of superpower to make me weak in the stupid knees at the sound of his voice? “How are you doing, sweet?”
I clap my hands to my cheeks, hiding my blush. It’s not like anyone can see me anyway. I huff out a breath, kicking at the carpet with my bare toes. “Good, good. And you, Ace?”
I feel stupid calling him by the name we agreed on, but them’s the breaks. It’s not like he knows my real name, either, and when he gets here, I’m supposed to wear a mask, anyway, to hide my identity.
I don’t make a habit of being photographed by a ton of people, but I have been photographed — at galas, or fundraisers and the like.
People know my face, if they care to look for it.
Maybe what I’m doing is wrong, just so I can finally lose my virginity.
“Having second thoughts, Mickey?”
I hum, cough and try come up with a good answer. “That’s not a good enough reason, I know.”
“But they’re your thoughts, Mickey. And I’m not going to force you to do anything that you don’t want to do. That’s why we’re having this phone call. Are you in the room, like I asked?”
I swallow hard, my cheeks burning with heat. “I’m nervous. I’m allowed to be nervous about all of this.”
“Of course you are,” he rumbles, and I lose my will to keep myself vertical. I plop myself on the mattress, lean back to stare at the ceiling. If I close my eyes, I could pretend that Ace is here with me, whispering directly into my ear.
All of this is a game of pretend, and I want some more.
“I don’t have to come to the hotel room tonight. We can have a nice chat, instead.”
I snort, wiggle my toes. Then pull in a deep breath. “I…want you here, though. I really, really do.”
“You don’t sound like you do, though, sweet.”
Fuck the tremble in my voice, the way I’m clutching the phone too tightly to my ear. I want to go through with this, I need to go through with this.
“I keep wasting your time,” I sigh, and Ace chuckles, low and deep and wonderful. “I’m sorry about that.”
“This isn’t a waste of time, and I’m still doing my job, aren’t I? I want you to be comfortable with me. Always.”
I snort again, thinking about the sum I’ve already paid Ace to talk me down whenever my nerves get to crazy. I’ve already tried to meet him twice before and then chickened out. I gave myself one more night, one more night to try and do this.
Everything’s jumbled in my head, and I’m a little lost.
Oh, my parents have tried to find me the proper men I should be marrying, but they don’t really know me, they don’t really see me. If I wanted to have a transactional relationship then I was going to have one on my own terms, on my own merits.
That’s why I contacted the agency Ace works at, and chose him out of their catalogue.
It wasn’t hard at all, if a little nerve-wracking.
There was a lot of talking beforehand, and that was the package I paid for. It made me feel terrible for a while, that I needed to pay someone for some sort of companionship, some sort of paltry version of friendship that doesn’t translate well into my real life.
And just when I thought I was okay to go ahead and get physical with Ace, with my stranger, I have to go and have second thoughts — again.
“I know I love talking with you. I know that our conversations make me laugh.”
“And cry sometimes, too,” he says.
“If you don’t cry during that scene in John Wick are you even human?” I say to the ceiling, waving an arm around. “I wish…”
“Yes?”
“I wish I wasn’t so afraid all of the time.”
There’s silence on the other end of the line, and I wonder what Ace is doing. If he’s driving around talking to me, if he’s walking around the city just like everyone else, having a conversation on his phone, just like everybody else, while I’m here in the hotel room, all by myself.
“I wish I wasn’t so afraid, and I wish I had somebody to love. Do you…” I squeeze my eyes shut. “Do you think I could find somebody like that?”
I mash my lips together, my chest constricting around my aching heart. After a lifetime of not being wanted by a guy, and all the obstacles one would have to hurdle to get to the real me, well, I’ve got some hang ups. I’ve been trying to work them through with a therapist, and this was going to be my final hurdle.
“Ace?”
“I want to come inside and hold you, Mickey. Can I?”
I shake my head, the hot, visceral fear coating my insides, strangling me. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. I’m sorry that I keep doing this to you. I’m sure you have better things to do. Uh, other plans with other clients.”
“That doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy our time together.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, knowing what I have to do. “Actually, Ace, since I chickened out tonight, this was going to be our last phone call. Thank you for everything that you’ve done for me.”
“Are you sure, Mickey?”
I want to tell him my first name, I want him to call me Kara, just the once, but I know that’s risky. I know that.
I fist my shirt like it’s somehow going to hold me together while I’m already bursting at the seams. “I’m sure,” I move the phone away from my face so I can sniffle without him knowing any different. I bring the phone back to my ear. “I hope you have a good life, Ace. I hope that whatever comes your way, it’s exactly what you want and need at the time.”
“Mickey-” Ace sighs, and it’s the first time I’ve heard him sound exasperated with me. “Mickey, please, we can keep talking.”
An insidious voice in my head wonders if he wants to keep talking because I’m somewhat interesting to him, or because I’m going to be a steady paycheck.
I should stop deluding myself, once and for all.
“Maybe, but not anytime soon. Take care of yourself, Ace.”
Ace hums. “I will. The same goes to you. Whatever it is that you think you are missing, I promise you you’re not. Trust me, I would know.”
I frown at the ceiling, wanting to ask more questions, but knowing that our time is up. “Goodbye, Ace.”
“Goodbye, Mickey.”
I end the call, and leave my phone sitting on my stomach. The ceiling blurs, and I close my eyes, letting the tears track down the sides of my face, and into my ears.
Everything is muffled besides the lonely beat of my heart.
I have no idea what I’m going to do tomorrow, how I’m going to face the day, and the fiancé that my parents chose for me.
Maybe I can get one of my younger brothers to take me away, hide me in some obscure little town in the Midwest, or in Canada.
I blink up at the ceiling, and refuse to think about the lonely future I’m about to begin.
No one really died from loneliness anyway. I’ll survive, I know I will.
It doesn’t matter if I’ll never be seen or understood. I’ll survive, just like I always have.
When I’m finally able to fall asleep, it’s to dream about a faceless Ace, doing nothing but holding me close and stroking my hair. It feels a lot like a little slice of heaven.
